Time to take a stand, America. These abuses have been going on for far too long in this society, and other reasonable people have had enough. Whichever corporate idiots came up with these marketing ideas have a kick to the balls coming that’s long overdue. What abuses, you ask? Fruity-ass coffee drinks.

No really, I’m serious.  I just waited in line at a local coffee joint behind no less than six otherwise normal people, and they all ordered ‘coffee’ that took more than 10 syllables to order and 5 minutes to make. Turn the special machine on, steam something, spray something, pepper in something else, grind up some Cuban dirt or something, (don’t forget the whipped crème!) then serve.

“Hi, what can I get for you?”

 “Um yes, brah…can I have a Mocha-caffe-half-latte-super-soy-cream-goat-steamed-expresso please.”

What? How did we manage to ruin coffee? It’s basically akin to us ruining water with bottled water, or insulting meat with tofu look-a-likes. Frankly, I’m tired of it. Coffee = beans + hot water. That’s it. If you don’t want that, then you should stand in the idiot line over there. That’s the line of rambling pseudo-intellectuals, pretending to be enlightened about everything—yet actually believing there’s such a thing as ‘soy milk.’ That’s the line I’m talking about. Now get over there and compare skinny jeans, iphones, and music that nobody’s ever heard of. Leave the regular people free to order regular coffee.

I finally got to the register and asked for a coffee, at which point the hippie behind the counter looked at me like I should be wearing a special helmet. “Uhm, yeah what type brah” he asks. “Regular, dude..just coffee.”

The look on his face was somewhere in between righteous indignation and constipation as he shot looks to his undereducated coworkers. He tried to sell me on some PUMPKIN-FLAVORED coffee, at which point I just looked at him, wanting so badly to hop the counter.

“No. Just coffee, BRAH (you have to speak their language).”

He understood this time, and gave me my coffee as Jesus and Mohammed intended.

Tasted terrible. Should’ve just gone to the gas station..

Halloween usually sucks except for that one time I was the mean awesome guy on the porch scaring children in a costume. That was awesome and benefited society for the better.

This, however, is lame. My favorite of these super fanboys is the dude’s gay interpretation of the Nicholsons’ Joker, which I conveniently highlighted.

You’re welcome.

 I actually wanted to watch ‘Fringe’ on Tuesday—badly– but since the debates were being aired I guess didn’t have a choice. OK, that’s an excuse. I did want to watch the debate. I would’ve at least DVRed the debates and watched Fringe. Gotta have your priorities, people. With this visual devastation fresh in mind, I actually watched the debate slightly different this time than the first debate—angrily.

My reaction? Boredom, slight bewilderment, periodic confusion, disdain, and eventually complete rhetoric fatigue.  The format was dumb and the moderation was overarching. Of course Obama ‘won’ the debate, if that simplistic analysis even applies anymore. He’s a better public speaker, more poised, and seemed to connect with the audience better. He presented the epitome of a level-headed cool that we should come to expect of a President. Simply put, he was more Presidential. He didn’t answer the last question, which annoyed me.

McCain, on the other hand, continuously paced around the room, refusing to sit down (restless leg syndrome maybe? I saw a commercial for that recently—mocked it until now), and did nothing to alleviate his generally erratic behavior over the last couple of weeks. What lost the debate for McCain, in addition to his restless leg syndrome, were a couple of things that came out of his mouth that I’m sure he wishes he could have take-backs on. When a younger-looking Black guy asked him a question about the Wall Street turmoil, he quickly corrected him by saying it was a rescue—not a bailout. Unfortunately for McCain, the majority of the country sees the bailout for what it is—a bailout. Next, he decided to refer to Obama as ‘that one,’ forgoing a bevy of other choices for one that has been ran with all over the place today. Whatever folksy thing he actually meant doesn’t matter. Perception is reality, and I think people need the President to know that.  Lastly when asked about health care, he said that health care was a privilege, then proceeded to gloss over his complicated health care plan. Obama said he believes health care is a right. Pwnd.

Wait a second, really? So owning a gun is a right in America, but health care isn’t? How is that logic even possible in a 2008 America? I understand that McCain is a student of Reaganomics (ie: small government, low taxes on the rich, supply side economic theory, minimal government programs, no minimum wage, weak regulatory agencies, no labor unions, huge military), and the Neoconservative sentiment is still that a big FDR government is the bad guy and shouldn’t have anything to do with health care. Never mind most all other advanced nations make health care a RIGHT for their citizens through government intervention.

Ugh, why couldn’t Fringe be on. Dammit.

We DON’T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY to fix Social Security.

We DON’T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY to fix Medicare.

We DON’T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY to provide health care to ALL Americans.

We DON’T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY to help Americans losing their homes.

We DON’T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY to help our veterans returning from war.

We DON’T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY to fix public schools.

BUT…

We DO HAVE ENOUGH MONEY to bail out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

We DO HAVE ENOUGH MONEY to bail out Bears Stearns.

We DO HAVE ENOUGH MONEY to bail out AIG.

We DO HAVE ENOUGH MONEY to pay for an unnecessary TRILLION DOLLAR war.

Today’s lesson in economics, boys and girls, is OPPORTUNITY COST. In simple terms, it’s the loss of value in choosing one product or service over another. What does that mean? Glad you asked, stupid. It means that the dollar that you spend on a double cheeseburger at McDonald’s means you lost the purchasing power of that dollar to buy something else. It means that every billion that we spend in Iraq is another billion that cannot go toward any social program here at home, such as health care, schools, infrastructure, BANK REGULATORY AGENCIES, et cetera. We have clearly prioritized poorly.

On the bright side, we will soon have an armed forces comprised of awesome transformers and incredible hulks (complete with eye lasers) supplemented by stash of super missiles that can be fired from a silo in Colorado and find it’s way up some extremist evildoer enemy asshole at night. I don’t know who’s going to run these types of advanced war machines, since we’ve devalued the importance of educating our society in lieu of more weaponry and useless, costly occupations. Last I checked, there were identifiable returns gained when you provide good healthcare and a good education to your citizens. Can anyone list the societal gains realized by having a massive arsenal? Opportunity cost people, can’t spend the same dollar twice.

We will soon have the  DUMBEST population on the planet, unable to compete in the global workforce–but don’t worry, we can fire missiles up anyone’s ass that dares call us on it.

I’m not sure where people thinks federal funding comes from (and you will get a myriad of answers if you ask a professional economist what ‘money’ is–nobody knows), and the way the government spends money as they please certainly would give the impression that they know where a forest of money trees is. Taxes, people. Your taxes, my taxes, FUTURE taxes. Every time that the most powerful man on Earth (Ben Bernanke) or Tresury Secretary Paulsen start planning to’rescue’ other failed investment giant–get out your checkbooks and teach your kids how to bend over.

This is yet another mega-expensive ($85 BILLION) bill served up to taxpayers as another example of how the government has managed to socialize the losses of these corporations. Clearly we’ve learned nothing from the savings and loans’ failures of the 1980’s, as lobbyists, banks, and Wall Street asshats are doing everything in their power to roll back federal regulations and play Russian roulette with our money. Why not invest sell sub-prime loans or invest in high risk securites? In the event we collapse, Jon Q Taxpayer will pick up the check!

This is socialized capitalism, people. We are on the precipice of economic disaster, simple as that. Neither candidate knows much about what should be done, but McCain is definitely looking like the bigger idiot ( oh, and a history of receiving bribes and fighting bank regulation certainly doesn’t help, Senator–some of us remember Keating).

Oh, and I can’t wait until someone asks ‘Machine Gun’ Palin an unscripted question on the economy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LsV50T5uEyw

Man, one could waste hours on the internets finding the most ridiculous shit ever. Much like the ‘Home Back Up Protection Gun Rack’ here..

The best part about this is that most people that feverishly cling to this wild western mentality have never dealt with the type of environment that needs a freakin shottie at the ready next to your bed. They live in the sticks of America, surrounded by people who look like them, act like them, and talk like them.

So then what this becomes is a sort of built-in population control for the idiots who choose to sit on personal arsenals, making sure before they go to bed that the kids have proper 9mm field training for the boogyman who will inevitably creep into their windows, looking to rape and steal their good silverware. Pretty sure that more often than not the bedside shottie will be used on philandering Mr. Bill Conservative by Mrs. Suzy Conservative.

I guess this is the same ‘thought’ process that leads people to believe everyone would be safer if everyone was holding.

The upper echelon of retardation in this country is growing at an infinitely exponential rate.

Anyone can take a poll and figure out that the American people have economics on the brain, but sadly, most of these brains have no idea what ‘economics’ actually is, nor do they know what’s actually happening with our economy.

So while the rest of the TV punditry has focused on the ‘lipstick on a pig’ comment that Obama made in reference to McCain’s absurd economic….umm…’ideas’, i stumbled across something that made me remember how ridiculous the entire paradigm of Sarah Palin is. We all know that a degree in communications certainly qualifies one to potentially be the prez-oh-dent, but apparently her one month crash course in shit that matters isn’t taking hold. We’ve been treated to the masterful dodging of the topic of anything involving the economy by the either Republican candidate, except of course for the “I will fix the economy, next question please.”

With that in mind, the absolutely amazing has happened with the collapse of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Joe Taxpayer is staring at a $25 + billion (with a ‘B’, bitch!) tab to get the try and force the market to clear this insane amount of bad debts on the market. Both of these mortgage behemoths service/hold 5 TRILLION (with a ‘T’, bitch!) in loans. That’s almost half the effin’ mortgages in the U.S!

Here’s a very simple explanation for those of you who went to bible ‘college’ or got a degree in communication:

 Government guarantees the downside of risk 

(+) 

Private investors and top executives make a mint off of upside of risk

= BAD

The rich have created a risk-happy system in which we socialize the losses and privatize the gains. Banks/Mortgage Giants/S&L’s executives have NO incentive to do anything else but maximize returns for themselves and their shareholders. Why should they be concerned that their failures will cost us billions?

Have you seen the golden parachutes these people get? Daniel Mudd (ha, i know–his name actually IS mud), the outgoing CEO of Fannie Mae, and Freddie Mac’s ousted CEO Richard Syron aren’t sweating. Mudd is entitled to receive cash severance of $1.98 million and a cash bonus of $2.23 million, (Fannie Mae’s 2008 proxy filing). Syron should get $1.10 million and a sweet-ass cash bonus of $2.64 million, (Freddie Mac’s 2008 proxy filing).

Anyway, this brings me back to mega-rad hockey mom Sarah Palin. You would think someone who is running for VP would know WTF it is that Fannie and Freddie actually do, and in 2008–you would be as wrong as those idiots who think dinosaurs were here 4,000 years ago.

” Gotten too big and expensive to the taxpayer” Ummm, no.  In fact, super no. Neither are taxpayer funded, Sarah–they are privately operated. You know, with stocks and so forth. Both are absolutely CENTRAL to American mortgage debts, and to have no idea who they are and what they do is inexcusable for someone running for VP.

Doesn’t someone write her speeches for her?

Anyone else playing ‘find the Black people’ during the RNC? I ’shole is! Usually they keep cameras trained on any minorities that happen to wander into these things, but this year I think they may simply dress up homeless Blacks and/or Mexicans (interchangeable substitutes to GOPers) and strategically place them in the crowd. Its cheaper, and you don’t actually have to have minorities in your fancy pants Grand Old Party. Plus the bums get a weeks supply of cheap vodka for their trouble.

Everyone wins!

1) ^Dress like most uber-conservative women do when they think nobody is looking. Again–It’s called the internet, and its permanent.

2)  Be currently under Federal Investigation for corruption (it’s ok, the Republican machine can smother that till after the election)

3) On Iraq: “Pray for our military men and women who are striving to do what is right. Also, for this country, that our leaders, our national leaders, are sending [U.S. soldiers] out on a task that is from God…That’s what we have to make sure that we’re praying for, that there is a plan and that that plan is God’s plan.” Hooray, Holy War!

4) Not believe in Global Warming, and also somehow claim that Polar Bears in shrinking ice caps are doing fine, and blocking that sweet crude. I too hate when science gets in the way of oil.

5) Be a proponent of teaching ‘Intelligent’ Design in America’s classrooms alongside actual science and logic. I love how conservatives are doing everything imaginable to make us the stupidest theocracy on the planet. Good luck raising globally competitive scientists and engineers when their science textbooks are bibles.

6) Not know what it is that a Vice President actually does. Didn’t we all take American Government in Junior High?

7) Preach that good, wholesome Christian abstinence for everyone else’s kids but your own. See above point #1 for probable reasoning for failed parental example.

Ocho) Consistently quote Mayoral Executive experience…..of this city:

Here’s some interesting reactions from a few of the 32 people who live in Alaska, and happen to work with her.

Alaska State Senate President Lyda Green (R): “She’s not prepared to be governor. How can she be prepared to be vice president or president? Look at what she’s done to this state. What would she do to the nation?”  (Green is from Palin’s home town of Wasilla.)

Alaska House Speaker John Harris (R): “She’s old enough. She’s a U.S. citizen.”

*Alaska State Representative Mike Doogan (D): “Either Sarah Palin has talents and skills we were not aware of”, or “John McCain fell down and hit his head”.  He also called the prospect of Palin potentially needing to take over as President”pretty scary.”

How bad does McCain want housewives and those Hillary supporters who don’t know when to give up? Apparently bad enough to tap an inexperienced woman as vice president. I’m not sure what the Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, can do for the McCain campaign besides completely destroy the ‘lack of foreign policy/lack of experience’ argument that has been the bread and butter of Republican attacks against Obama.

Let’s see, she was on the city council of Wasilla, Alaska (town of 7,000), then was mayor, then has been governor for about how long Obama has been running for president–in a state with less people than ONE-FIFTH of Chicago. Really?

The transparency is rather obvious, and should be insulting to women in my opinion. If you wanted to try and ’shake things up’ with a woman running mate, there are several with much more experience than this one. Sadly, housewives everywhere are peeing themselves that a self-professed ‘hockey mom’ could possibly be the Vice President. These people are just as idiotic as those who will vote for Obama because he’s Black. It’s asinine and counterproductive to progress.

I’m actually still sour at all the Hillary diehards who don’t know when to say when–and are willing to risk the presidency of the United States just to exact revenge on Obama and vote McCain. These, of course, are the people that think that the only thing wrong with the country is that there isn’t a woman president. Get serious.

Palin vs Biden debates?

This is going to be awesomely hilarious.

I am one of the most outspoken critics of idiotic popular trends you will ever meet, which includes (but not limited to): Below the ass sagging, 5XL t-shirts, belt buckles + cowboy boots (grownups shouldn’t play dress up), skinny man jeans (wtf), the entire ‘goth’ thing, girls-that-wear-titties-out-clothes-and-then-complain-when-you-stare-at-said-titties-thing, et cetera. I’ve had my hands full doing my best to ridicule these people into staying indoors at all times, but I’ve been meaning to write about something I’d forgotten about that was beyond my legendary logic and reasoning skills.

This apparently is only happening in Long Island and Jersey as far as I know, but maybe it’s in other places on the East and West coasts that I’m not cool enough to get into. After some research, I found out that these…people… are referred to as ‘guidos,’ by others who find this fad absurd–but I’m not sure if that’s an epithet or not. Thing is, I’m pretty sure that most of these idiots are either Italian, Arab or Israeli but I’ve deduced that Guido is simply a cancerous, disgusting subculture that can develop in any ethnic group. Well, almost any, as I’m pretty sure guido doesn’t come in Black.

I saw this once before on some MTV ‘True Life’ Jersey special, and I remember being amazed at the obscene amounts of vanity that the dudes displayed. Guys tanning, trading lip gloss, and wearing makeup in between steroid injections and going to the gym. I don’t understand. Yes, I’m aware that for those of you who are from out East may be like ‘this is old news,’ but I’m a Midwest boy and shit like this around here earns you an instant ass kickings and ostracizing. We may not be at the upper echelons of whatever is considered stylish these days, but we don’t subscribe to corny shit either. This is honestly gheyer than ghey. Not to be confused with G-A-Y people, whom are far above this nonsense.

When did masculinity take a nosedive in our society? At present it’s been reduced to who can shoot who, how big your rims are, how many kids you can have and not raise, and apparently how closely you can resemble a woman. Good hygiene is one thing, but plucking eyebrows, spray tans, and infinite amounts of hairgel is beyond me. Do women actually seek this? What sucks even worse is that baggy clothes are still considered the style scourge and is all anybody seems to talk about (three guesses why), when on the lameness scale it doesn’t even compare to this douchery.

Yes, that’s lip gloss–and YES his lips are puckered. The man kissy-face is actually their preferred way to get pictures taken. To add insult to injury, they actually call this hairstyle a ‘blowout,’ which should be offensive to anybody Black. This is not a blowout, idiots. I rocked a real blowout for a minute, and it didn’t require hair glue to make it stand up.

I loathe style trends, because it only serves as visual evidence that people are stupid. There are a few people in some gigantic corporate oligopolies around the world that decide what the sheep will buy next. Usually they put it on someone famous, and the idiots line up to buy their overpriced shit–only to call it lame in 6 months. Maybe I’ll just have to wait for this to go away, but I do take comfort in the fact that these images are permanently on the the internets and will follow these idiots around FOREVER.

^peep the lean, pose, gloss, pucker, and disregard for shirt buttons. Style perfection.