Here I am wasting all my time trying to weed thru the empty presidential candidate promises, half-truths, and misinformation to pick someone I could support—and it turns out the decision has already been made for me.

That’s right. Walker Texas Ranger has spoken. Now, I’m fully aware of how utterly ridiculous ‘President Huckabee’ sounds–but have you ever been kicked in the face? Let us never forget who really runs shit.

 ^ ha!

Oh man, it’s on once again. I usually watch the UFC on PPV for free because there’s usually some local bar or casino that’s showing the fight, but this time is different. Santa brought me huge Sharp Aquos LCD (suck it!) and a HD feed, and i’m having some like-minded violent associates over to watch the awesomocity commence. The casino restaurants (in KC at least) are insanely crowded hours before the fights start and they started making you spend AT LEAST $30 per person in your party recently, which effectively ruins our usual plan of hogging 20 chairs and only getting waters. Capitalist assholes.

Anyway, I never thought that Chuck Liddell would be relegated to what amounts to an undercard, but with two consecutive losses and no championship at stake–you get what you get. I still love watching the dude fight (knockout punching power from impossible angles, flawless takedown defense), but he’s pushing 40 and has clearly lost his dominance. I’ve been a fan of Wanderlei Silva for a while since I’ve been a PRIDE fan for all those years when the UFC was just fat brawlers with no skill. Dude is a maniac–but he’s on a downturn as well.  I think if Liddell can establish ring control and keep Wanderlei at a distance, the odds are in his favor. Exactly the opposite for Wanderlei, because Liddell loses fights when he’s on the defensive against unorthodox fighters (see Rampage).

I’m much more psyched about the main event, mainly because I want to see GSP knock Matt Hughes out again. Outside of Anderson Silva, GSP is the most complete fighter in MMA today. He has this fluid nature to his strikes that look so effortless but them shits are on point every time. More importantly, Matt Hughes’ personality annoys me, and I don’t think wrestlers deserve do be considered martial artists.

Man I can’t wait! (It better be great, because this HD PPV shit aint cheap,)

I truly hope you and your circus freak-looking family had a good Christmas–complete with your Aunts’ questionable casserole, the awkward accidental outing of you and your ‘friend’ from college, and Santa bringing you absolutely nothing you asked for. Be grateful to whomever you pray to that you’re actually still alive for some ridiculous reason, and that you can try again in the ‘08 to do all the idealistic shit that you said you were gonna do in ‘07.

I hope maybe this year you can actually become a productive member of this idiot nation, maybe not just another mindless automoton. Hopefully you didn’t spend your kids’ diaper money on presents at the last minute for people you really don’t care too much about like you did last Christmas.

I hope everyone can step away from the daily nonsense of life and appreciate the small shit during this time of year. Seems kinda stupid idealistic, I know, because the probability that someone within a mile radius from me right now is getting robbed or shot is very high.

I hope Santa brought Dick Cheney a soul and Coondelezza Rice got some of her Blackness back.

I hope you don’t get too drunk on New Years Eve and start ‘08 off with a DWI.

I hope the Democrats in Congress got some testicular fortitude.

I kinda look at the end of each year like a giant reset button. No matter how bad you screwed things up this year, just pretend like you can reset and try again Jan 1. Luckily for me and my flawless logic, mistakes are impossibly unrealistic.

Happy Holidays, bitches.

Since the Saudis are doing their best to obscure the exact amount of oil they are sitting on, they and the rest of the OPEC jerks are bent on squeezing as much money out of the car addicts as possible. Oil production doesn’t even have to obey the laws of regularly accepted Keynesian macroeconomics—the basics of supply and demand. Have you seen how hard the Saudis have been ballin recently? People here seem to think rappers have money because they have a heavy pendant on a platinum chain. I find it incredibly amusing that the FSM decided to locate the countries that hate our guts but love our money directly over oceans of Black gold. This effects me directly in (2) ways:

1) There will eventually be a final world war that has nothing to do with the Antichrist or Armageddon. It’ll all come down to resource allocation between the largest oil consuming countries (China, America, Russia)–who will be fighting over the last drop of that sweet crude goodness. Hell it may jump off before then based on the geniuses who control this country. This bothers me because I haven’t sourced all the necessary funding to build my spaceship allowing me to get the fuck off this doomed planet before it’s reduced to radioactive space dust.

2) As the price of gas keeps climbing, and the government keeps making money off of the taxes on it–some asshole somewhere is going make regular internal combustion fuel cars illegal at some point. It’d be nice if the government subsidized at least SOME gas costs, but I guess when you’re spending 500 billion a year in ‘defense’ you don’t have the money to actually help your citizens get by. This affects me because the entire point of my life on this planet revolves around my eventual and unavoidable aquisition of the Ferrari F430 Scuderia.

I swear to the Flying Spaghetti Monster that if I have the $230,000 ready to get one and they tell me I have to buy a pussy-boy matt damon dirt-powered hippie hybrid ghey pseudocar, someone’s getting shot. Believe that.

1) As if there weren’t enough annoyances at the airport, the TSA has unleashed a new squad of ‘Behavior Detection Officers‘ that are supposed to be looking for erratic behavior that CLEARLY people that have terror on their minds exhibit flagrantly. I could go on and on explaining to you how fucking dumb this idea is, but I won’t. I could draw some insanely easy parallels to ‘1984′, but I won’t insult your intelligence. This should stand by itself as a testament to what the government does when you give an entire department zero oversight and an unlimited tax-funded operating budget.

“Behavior detection officers work in pairs. Typically, one officer sizes up passengers openly while the other seems to be performing a routine security duty. A passenger who arouses suspicion, whether by micro-expressions, social interaction or body language gets subtle but more serious scrutiny. A behavior specialist may decide to move in to help the suspicious passenger recover belongings that have passed through the baggage X-ray. Or he may ask where the traveler’s going. If more alarms go off, officers will “refer” the person to law enforcement officials for further questioning. Jay M. Cohen, undersecretary of Homeland Security for Science and Technology, said in May that he wants to automate passenger screening by using videocams and computers to measure and analyze heart rate, respiration, body temperature and verbal responses as well as facial micro-expressions”

What exactly are they going to look for? Sweaty, tired, annoyed, disheveled passengers? Isn’t that everyone who tries to take a flight these days? I wonder how they’re going to explain themselves when they still ‘randomly select’ Arab-Americans for….um..interviews.

2) WASHINGTON (Reuters) - People using CIA and FBI computers have edited entries in the online encyclopedia Wikipedia on topics including the Iraq war and Guantanamo Prison, according to a new tracing program. The changes may violate Wikipedia’s conflict-of-interest guidelines, a spokeswoman for the site said on Thursday. The program, WikiScanner, was developed by Virgil Griffith of the Santa Fe Institute in New Mexico and posted this month on a Web site that was quickly overwhelmed with searches. The program allows users to track the source of computers used to make changes to the popular Internet encyclopedia where anyone can submit and edit entries. WikiScanner revealed that CIA computers were used to edit an entry on the U.S.-led invasion of Iraq in 2003. A graphic on casualties was edited to add that many figures were estimated and were not broken down by class.

I would think that not screwing up in the first place would’ve been a better solution that attempting to limit the amount of egg to wipe from your face afterwards. Just a thought. Also, if you’re going to edit a HISTORICAL EVENT–you should probably make it clear that your version of events might be slightly bias since you’re on the Department of Defenses’ payroll.