^a quitter, but still fukin’ LOADED.

So it looks like the presidential race is shaping up to be much like I originally assumed (with the notable exceptions that a) McCain is still alive and b) The Aliens have not landed to reclaim their most eccentric spy Mike Huckabee. Reality caught up with ol’ Rudolph, and it looks like Romney finally realized how much of his worth he’s spent and quit. He still took the opportunity of him being a bitch to slide in a ‘the terrorists will win if a Democrat is elected’…classy.

I am, however, pleasantly pleased at the schism that is is widening within the Republican party with regards to their candidates. Why am I pleased? Well, conflict equals entertainment for me–especially when both sides are equally retarted.

The Jesus freaks (i think the media calls them ‘the religious right’) hate John McCain because he doesn’t say ‘jesus church terrorists illegal mexicans sanctityoflife 9/11 christian values’ nearly enough, and the Moderate Republicans seem to be much more Centrist now more than ever as they appear to just be realizing that their ‘Christian values’ might not be the best set of working knowledge of which to try and run a governments’ foreign policy or manage a 13 trillion dollar economy.

I think McCain has too much working knowledge of the government for the Jesus Freaks to like him. They really don’t care what you plan to do about anything outside of their 3 or 4 talking points. Address anything outside of that and you’ll get blank stares. The biggest problem with McCain for Conservatives is that he agrees with Democrats too much and talks about Jesus too little, and we ALL know that logical compromise is not a widely accepted quality in the Republican party. A pseudo-compromise for most Republicans usually involves a backhoe and President Reagans’ reanimated corpse (sorry freaks, we do NOT have the technology to rebuild him–yet). But hey, maybe if you quit blocking genetic research!

I truly hope you and your circus freak-looking family had a good Christmas–complete with your Aunts’ questionable casserole, the awkward accidental outing of you and your ‘friend’ from college, and Santa bringing you absolutely nothing you asked for. Be grateful to whomever you pray to that you’re actually still alive for some ridiculous reason, and that you can try again in the ‘08 to do all the idealistic shit that you said you were gonna do in ‘07.

I hope maybe this year you can actually become a productive member of this idiot nation, maybe not just another mindless automoton. Hopefully you didn’t spend your kids’ diaper money on presents at the last minute for people you really don’t care too much about like you did last Christmas.

I hope everyone can step away from the daily nonsense of life and appreciate the small shit during this time of year. Seems kinda stupid idealistic, I know, because the probability that someone within a mile radius from me right now is getting robbed or shot is very high.

I hope Santa brought Dick Cheney a soul and Coondelezza Rice got some of her Blackness back.

I hope you don’t get too drunk on New Years Eve and start ‘08 off with a DWI.

I hope the Democrats in Congress got some testicular fortitude.

I kinda look at the end of each year like a giant reset button. No matter how bad you screwed things up this year, just pretend like you can reset and try again Jan 1. Luckily for me and my flawless logic, mistakes are impossibly unrealistic.

Happy Holidays, bitches.

Meet Mark David Uhl, a Liberty University freshman who was arrested yesterday in a plot to blow up protesters at the late Rev. Jerry Falwalls’ funeral in Lynchberg, Va. Six explosive devices were found in his trunk. What would Jesus do? Blow up people who disagree with him, apparently.

This is what I call ‘domestic terrorism’ but it’s not the kind of terrorism that the republican pussies here are concerned with. Much like when random religious fanatics murder doctors who perform abortions–and it barely makes the news. What is it that makes these televangelist schools so attractive to these Jesus freaks? The fourth tier rankings? The 60% Bar exam passage rates? (ask Pat Robertsons’ Regent University Law). Believe in Jesus all you want, but as soon as I’m in a college-level science class and they start talking about God and then tell me that the Earth is 6,000 years old…Guess what?I need transfer papers immediately. Liberty University is also famous for having dinosaur fossils in a museum that are labeled as ‘3000 years old’…WTF?

Speaking of Regent University, they LOVE to talk about how they’ve had 150 Law School gradutes ’serve’ in the Bush Administration. I seriously don’t believe this, and if that’s the case—Liberty has more influence on the President’s staff than ALL of the Ivy League Schools combined. Not just Ivy League, but any top tier school. Keep in mind that Regent is another fourth-tier school. I guess it’s not what they teach you that’s the important thing…it’s the fact that those who go there are almost entirely White Republicans who have no problem with religious fanaticism.

Either go to bible college or go to a traditional college people. Don’t try to blend the two. I guess these people that go to televangelist are sick and tired of the ‘Liberal bias’ by smart people at real colleges.

AP-With the help of John Travolta, educational techniques developed by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard are being used in a Louisiana public school, according to Florida’s St. Petersburg Times. In the mayhem that followed Hurricane Katrina, Celebrity Scientologists, including Travolta and Isaac Hayes, “played key roles” in persuading Prescott Middle School in Louisiana to adopt a Hubbard program called Applied Scholastics, reports the St. Petersburg Times.

What the deuce? This is what happens when the Bible thumpers cry enough because they can’t have ‘intelligent design’ taught by ministers with confessional booths in public schools. Any cult who refers themselves a religion can argue for their garbage to be taught to your kids (a cult= religion without political power and which requires major financial sacrifice for ’salvation’). So while you’re being a good ‘holier than thou’ Sunday Christian, your kid is learning about Thetan levels and the glory of L. Ron Hubbard. Hubbard has always been an interest of mine, simply because of his ridiculousness. The fact that he had the balls to start a religion AND GET PEOPLE TO PAY HIM is friggin’ amazing.

Here is an excerpt of Scientology’s doctrine:

When a person dies – or, in Scientology terms, when a ‘thetan’ abandons their physical body – they go to a “landing station” on the planet Venus, where the Thetan is re-implanted and told lies about its past life and its next life. The Venusians take the thetan, “capsule” it, and send it back to Earth to be dumped into the ocean off the coast of California. Says Hubbard, “If you can get out of that, and through that, and wander around through the cities and find some girl who looks like she is going to get married or have a baby or something like that, you’re all set. And if you can find the maternity ward to a hospital or something, you’re OK. And you just eventually just pick up a baby.” To avoid these inconveniences, Hubbard advised Scientologists to refuse to go to Venus after their death.

And in more hilarious Hubbard history:

In 1967, L. Ron Hubbard further distanced himself from the controversy attached to Scientology by resigning as executive director of the church and appointing himself “Commodore” of a small fleet of Scientologist-crewed ships that spent the next eight years cruising the Mediterranean Sea. Here, Hubbard formed the religious order known as the “Sea Organization” or “Sea Org”, with titles and uniforms. The ‘Sea Org’ subsequently became the management group within Hubbard’s Scientology empire. He was attended by “Commodore’s Messengers”, teenaged girls dressed in white hot pants who waited on him hand and foot, bathing and dressing him and even catching the ash from his cigarettes.

While we ALL need girls in hot pants at our beck and call, our kids don’t need to be learning anything that ever came out of this douches’ mouth.