I am one of the most outspoken critics of idiotic popular trends you will ever meet, which includes (but not limited to): Below the ass sagging, 5XL t-shirts, belt buckles + cowboy boots (grownups shouldn’t play dress up), skinny man jeans (wtf), the entire ‘goth’ thing, girls-that-wear-titties-out-clothes-and-then-complain-when-you-stare-at-said-titties-thing, et cetera. I’ve had my hands full doing my best to ridicule these people into staying indoors at all times, but I’ve been meaning to write about something I’d forgotten about that was beyond my legendary logic and reasoning skills.

This apparently is only happening in Long Island and Jersey as far as I know, but maybe it’s in other places on the East and West coasts that I’m not cool enough to get into. After some research, I found out that these…people… are referred to as ‘guidos,’ by others who find this fad absurd–but I’m not sure if that’s an epithet or not. Thing is, I’m pretty sure that most of these idiots are either Italian, Arab or Israeli but I’ve deduced that Guido is simply a cancerous, disgusting subculture that can develop in any ethnic group. Well, almost any, as I’m pretty sure guido doesn’t come in Black.

I saw this once before on some MTV ‘True Life’ Jersey special, and I remember being amazed at the obscene amounts of vanity that the dudes displayed. Guys tanning, trading lip gloss, and wearing makeup in between steroid injections and going to the gym. I don’t understand. Yes, I’m aware that for those of you who are from out East may be like ‘this is old news,’ but I’m a Midwest boy and shit like this around here earns you an instant ass kickings and ostracizing. We may not be at the upper echelons of whatever is considered stylish these days, but we don’t subscribe to corny shit either. This is honestly gheyer than ghey. Not to be confused with G-A-Y people, whom are far above this nonsense.

When did masculinity take a nosedive in our society? At present it’s been reduced to who can shoot who, how big your rims are, how many kids you can have and not raise, and apparently how closely you can resemble a woman. Good hygiene is one thing, but plucking eyebrows, spray tans, and infinite amounts of hairgel is beyond me. Do women actually seek this? What sucks even worse is that baggy clothes are still considered the style scourge and is all anybody seems to talk about (three guesses why), when on the lameness scale it doesn’t even compare to this douchery.

Yes, that’s lip gloss–and YES his lips are puckered. The man kissy-face is actually their preferred way to get pictures taken. To add insult to injury, they actually call this hairstyle a ‘blowout,’ which should be offensive to anybody Black. This is not a blowout, idiots. I rocked a real blowout for a minute, and it didn’t require hair glue to make it stand up.

I loathe style trends, because it only serves as visual evidence that people are stupid. There are a few people in some gigantic corporate oligopolies around the world that decide what the sheep will buy next. Usually they put it on someone famous, and the idiots line up to buy their overpriced shit–only to call it lame in 6 months. Maybe I’ll just have to wait for this to go away, but I do take comfort in the fact that these images are permanently on the the internets and will follow these idiots around FOREVER.

^peep the lean, pose, gloss, pucker, and disregard for shirt buttons. Style perfection.

1) John McCain is old and crazy. I actually don’t dislike this dude, but—-his senility is showing. Its not stupidity, just that unavoidable entropy is clearly taking a toll on his excessively wrinkled brain. You can’t spend years in a POW camp and come back firing on all cylinders. I don’t think he knows what ‘economics’ means, he’s 322, and finally my lady tells me that he wears makeup.

2) I will never, ever, eVAR go to the Power & White District again. It must have been a couple of months ago that I went, and just remembered how lamesauce that shit was. Stayed at that bowling alley for maybe 30 minutes. Look, I enjoy being around drunken White people as much as most people do–but I still don’t feel comfortable in a place specifically designed to repel minorities. Omnipresent blaring country music? Blatantly bigoted dress codes that are selectively enforced? 800 over-priced Irish Pubs? No thanks. If you happen to see me there, I have been kidnapped by rednecks. Don’t just stare, help bitch!

I’m not a child nor am I a rapper, so none of these apply to me. However, they do apply to plenty of people I know who don’t exactly qualify as thugs. I think the part that’s getting these bigots in trouble is that they reeeeaally don’t care if stan-ass-johnson county White kids are wearing this stuff, which I saw in spades on my last voyage down there. Can you even say ’spades’ down there? Doubtful.

This will inevitably lead to the downfall of the Power & White profitability, and I’ll show you how:

   1. Actual thug-ass Black dudes attract suburban White broads with money, thus ensuring that their powerless fathers will be infuriated and thereby cementing their ‘rebellious’ phase completion. Hooray!

  2. Suburban White girls with money attract suburban white dudes with money, who buy up the bar after they spot Shirley/Susan/Mary/Amanda/Jill/etc in the corner grinding hard on Tyrone. Nothing cures heartache like 300% marked-up liquor. Drink the pain away!

3. Causality shows us that limiting the supply of Black dudes will invariably limit the overall White attendance in the Power & White, making profit margins slimmer and slimmer. This is the beginning of the end.

Can’t argue with science!

….oh wait, Kansas argues with science…dammit.

 I often wonder think about how wonderful it must be to be obliviously ignorant. This is not to say that I am all-knowing by any stretch, but I like to think of myself on the right side of the bell curve with regards to intelligence. I think people age quicker when they’re paying attention, as i found a grey (gray?) hair right on the top of my dome the other day. Next step: arthritis and depends.

I suspect I could become a recluse, living completely off the grid in some mountain cabin somewhere. Maybe then I could re-enter society with a better overall grasp on everything. Or, instead of reaching some type of higher enlightenment a la Walden Ponds’ philosophical powers via Thoreau, i’d completely lose my already frail grip on reality and begin mailing bombs to people like Ted Kaczynski to ’start the revolution.’

Anywhere my eyes happen to settle these days I’m reminded of the pointlessness of 99.9% of the things that occur on a daily basis, and how stupid we are for analyzing the occurences–then analyzing that analysis, then arguing about the validity of the analyses. I’m waiting for some guest speaker on a late-night cable politics show to just go ‘this is fucking pointless,’ and watch Bill O’Reilly or some other idiot try and scramble to save face. Perhaps that’s why they have that fancy time-delay thingy. Weaksauce.

Perhaps people can see the disdain on my face, as they are carrying on in depth conversations about whether or not they should upsize their rims to 22’s with their stimulus check, because 20’s just aren’t cutting it anymore. Seriously? I should think with those three kids that look like you, you could find better use than putting $3500 shiny wheels on your $1500 car. Maybe you should put your kids in a better schools so they can get some attention and positive influence. I’d really hate for them little snot-nosed shits to rob me in 10 years.

You know those jeans that idiots like to wear hanging off their asses? I often see grown men waddling down 63rd street in what MUST be a huge task considering they are unable to take a full step. It must be nice to be so unconcerned with reality that you don’t even have to walk correctly or have your ass out all day and not give a shit. What a closed-end genetic cul-de-sac we humans are.

 If annoyance stinks, I’m the stinkiest asshole on the planet.

Does anyone else kinda laugh to themselves when they walk past the makeup isles at the store? Well, I do. I call them ‘Aisles of Lies’, because that’s exactly what they are. I try to convince myself that not all women are idiots, and that they know that they will never look like the models in the ads. But then again, everyday theres someone famous for apparently being good-looking talking about some kind of creme that makes hideous she-donkeys into super models. I know people are generally malleable and stupid, but damn! I’d like to stand in the lie aisles and just inform the ugly women to give up on the ‘attractive’ thing. Even good looking women feel compelled to spend their money of on face paint in order to look like…i dunno…someone else? Seriously, grow up and get some self esteem.

Sadly, my employer will not pay me for that type of community service–which is near tragic for the population since we have to look at ugly people PLUS all the makeup they have caked on their unfortunate faces.

The ‘cosmetic’ industry is worth BILLIONS and is built on false promises, personal insecurities, and exaggerated claims— much like the Catholic Church. Part of me thinks that the suuUuUuuper uglies should just remove themselves from society, and the other part of me thinks that people shouldn’t give a shit WHAT I think and just do what they want.

Regardless, I don’t think that TV, movies, and magazines should do everything they can to make women feel uglier and fatter than they really are to make profits for their sponsors.

disclaimer: The only reason it bothers me is because I aint making any money off of it. Dammit.

disclaimer #2: Some broads actually NEED it.

^gat damn.

madonna?

bleh!

bleh!

^winner (loser?)

damn.

on second thought, hit the lie aisle ladies.

Please.

to be fair, here’s me without my morning routine:

^a quitter, but still fukin’ LOADED.

So it looks like the presidential race is shaping up to be much like I originally assumed (with the notable exceptions that a) McCain is still alive and b) The Aliens have not landed to reclaim their most eccentric spy Mike Huckabee. Reality caught up with ol’ Rudolph, and it looks like Romney finally realized how much of his worth he’s spent and quit. He still took the opportunity of him being a bitch to slide in a ‘the terrorists will win if a Democrat is elected’…classy.

I am, however, pleasantly pleased at the schism that is is widening within the Republican party with regards to their candidates. Why am I pleased? Well, conflict equals entertainment for me–especially when both sides are equally retarted.

The Jesus freaks (i think the media calls them ‘the religious right’) hate John McCain because he doesn’t say ‘jesus church terrorists illegal mexicans sanctityoflife 9/11 christian values’ nearly enough, and the Moderate Republicans seem to be much more Centrist now more than ever as they appear to just be realizing that their ‘Christian values’ might not be the best set of working knowledge of which to try and run a governments’ foreign policy or manage a 13 trillion dollar economy.

I think McCain has too much working knowledge of the government for the Jesus Freaks to like him. They really don’t care what you plan to do about anything outside of their 3 or 4 talking points. Address anything outside of that and you’ll get blank stares. The biggest problem with McCain for Conservatives is that he agrees with Democrats too much and talks about Jesus too little, and we ALL know that logical compromise is not a widely accepted quality in the Republican party. A pseudo-compromise for most Republicans usually involves a backhoe and President Reagans’ reanimated corpse (sorry freaks, we do NOT have the technology to rebuild him–yet). But hey, maybe if you quit blocking genetic research!